Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts

Monday, November 11, 2024

Wednesday, November 10, 1993

Wednesday, Nov 10, 1993


Ever have “one of those days” that could be considered your most terrible day you’ve ever had an in your entire life? Yeah. For me, that was Wednesday, November 10, in 1993. I was 14, living with my mom and evil step-dad in Entiat, WA which is a town of about 900 people in the mountains. The nearest city was Wenatchee, which was a 45 minute drive away.

I woke up that morning, late for school. Normally my alarm went off an hour before I had to be at the bus stop, but this time, it magically didn’t go off. I woke up scrambling around trying to get ready, only to find I’d missed the bus. Shit. Thank god my mom had a day off and could take me to school. But the car wouldn’t start. Are you kidding me?! She had to try Evil Step-dad’s Scout. It wouldn’t start. So she tried the old yellow pickup. It wouldn’t start. She’d been having issues with her car’s alternator, so she resorted to charging the battery for an hour before we could go to my school. So, I was late.

I walked in and immediately sat down in my seat, next to my best friend Meagan. Since I was late, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t want to disrupt the class. I found out after class that because I didn’t greet her, she was upset with me. She wouldn’t talk to me. 

I learned that I was failing in Washington State History class, and my mom had to have a parent teacher meeting about it after school. The rest of my school day was uneventful. Then my mom drove up to have the parent teacher meeting - in a brand new car. I asked who’s car it was, and she said it was ours. It was a fancy dark emerald green Nissan. Her car was a rose colored Nissan Maxima. I asked where her old car was and she said, “gone.”

I hung around in the gym with my friend Robert after school while I waited for my mom. After the meeting, she came by to get me, seeming jovial. She told me she was also taking Robert and I was going to get a shampoo in Wenatchee, and she’d get him a haircut. Here is where shit goes sideways. We hop in the green car where my mom is silent for a little while. I’m sitting in the back seat, Robert it up front. My mom says, out of nowhere, “Your grandma died today, she had a heart attack. Jer (my Evil Step-dad) also died of a heart attack.” I was shocked, and flabberghasted. Why did she seem ok? In fact, why did she seem giddy?

The rest of the car ride was awkward and strange. Next, she said, “We’re starting new so I burned all our things.” WHAT?! I started asking questions. I wasn’t sure if I believed her or not. She didn’t say anything, just kept driving. “We need to make a stop first before your shampooo.” I didn’t even need a shampoo.

We pulled up to a Nissan car dealership in Wenatchee. She rolls down the window, and tells the salesman who comes up, that she’d like to buy the car. He says, “great! Let’s go inside and sign the paperwork!” and she says, “No, I’d like to just stay in here please.” He gives her a strange look and says, “No, sorry, we need to go inside.” She argues with him for a minute, then she takes off her gold watch and gives it to him, as a bribe. He still refuses, of course, and looks at us kids. We shrug and he urges her to get out of the car. Finally she gets out and goes inside. Robert turns to me and says, “Is your mom alright?” and I said, “I don’t know.”

While my mom is inside assumingly filling out paperwork, the salesman comes to the window of the car we’re sitting in, and hands me her gold watch and asks if she’s ok. “I don’t know — apparently her mother and husband both died of heart attacks today” I said. He gave me a sympathy look and told me he was sorry to hear that, and seemed like he understood now why she was acting strange.

Then he left, and my mom came back. She said we were taking our old car, and so we got out of the green one and back into her old car. We then drove to JC Penney, a clothing store in the mall where she was a manager. She forced me to get a goddamn shampoo, and Robert got a haircut. While I was getting shampoo’d, the stylist asked if my mom was ok. I told her, just as I’d told the car salesman, that family had died so she was probably acting strange because of that. 

When my mom came to get us, she was in all brand new clothes. I asked why she was in New clothes, and she told me her old clothes she burned. I was very weirded out at this point. 

She said we were now going to meet a group of her friends at a restaurant in Leavenworth, a 20 minute drive from Wenatchee. So we drive to Leavenworth, to find that the restaurant she was meeting them at was closed. She said, “that's fine, we'll just go to this other one (called the Katzenjammer Kids... It was a German Alps tourist town).” I said, “mom. If we were supposed to meet your friends at the other place, how will they know we'll be at this one?” and she said to me, “my friends are all psychic like me, they'll know where to find us.” 

We get inside this dimly lit steakhouse restaurant, where my mom asks for a table for 12. They said that's a big request so it will take some time. After a few minutes, my mom went in the bar to wait. Finally the table was ready, and Robert and I went to sit down. We ordered salads because we were hungry. 
After a while a waitress came up and kneeled down so no one could hear her. She said my mom was very drunk and could one of us drive? Robert said he would. He was 16, and had his license. 

My mom came back from the bar and said we had to leave (I don’t know if they kicked her out or not), but that she had to use the bathroom first. When she came out of the bathroom, she left her purse in the stall. I asked where her purse was, and she said, “It’s ok, I’ll get a new one.” And I said, “but mom your wallet and keys and stuff, are inside it.” So I went and got her purse. Robert and I waited in the car for her. It was cold, and she told us we could sit and get warm but not to take the car around the block like we’d asked. We did it anyway, but the car stalled a block away and we had to get a jump from a nice man who saw us in trouble. 

When we finally pulled back up to the restauraunt, my mom was ready. I don’t know if or how she settled the bill, but she seemed in good spirits.
She sat in the backseat, and I was up front with Robert driving. Because he was a teenage boy, we went very fast, especially alont Route 97-Alt which was right up against the Columbia river, with just a meager guard rail. 

I looked in the back seat and saw my mom passed out. As Robert went around curves, she lurchaed forward and backward like her body was limp. I was very concerned, scared, curious, and confused. 

When we got to my house, Robert slept on the couch. It was a holiday the next day, so there was no school (Veteran’s Day).  I put mom to bed. In her new clothes, new jewelry and all. I gave her back her gold watch. She seemed angry with me, and said it was for the car salesman. I told her he gave it back, and she seemed to accept it. 

While Robert slept on the couch, I was in the other room calling my Step-dad’s workplace. They said he was fine, and he was working right now (night stocker at a grocery store). I called my Aunt then, who lived with my Grandmother. She said Grandma was fine, and that I needed to call my Dad. I thought that was strange, my aunt didnt like my dad. But I called him, and that’s when he told my mom had Bipolar Disorder, and was apparently having a manic episode with psychosis. 

I was shocked. Why hadn’t anyone told me? 
After that day shit got out of control and we ended up leaving that town. That in itself is another story. About how my mother pissed off the mafia, was raped, and then we got kicked out of the house by the Evil Step-dad. Like I said, a whole ‘nother story. 

I will always hate whenever November 10 falls on a Wednesday. 



Friday, March 31, 2023

Moody Me

I've been battling with my creativity lately, been exceptionally moody. It might be a dysphoric mania, or a mixed episode or maybe even something else. But I will go off and on with good days and bad days of creativeness as a result.

But here's an example of one of my better days:



I have a hard time waking up in the morning. I am negative and complainy. I am tired and my back has been hurting ferociously (we think maybe I have a transverse fracture). 
And some days.. I just don't have anything in my head for ai art, video, or music.

So I apologize if I haven't said much in here lately. Moods. Hmf. Who needs 'em!




Sunday, August 14, 2022

Making Peace and Doing Research

 So, the shooting occurred July 30th. For the following two weeks I went through a whirlwind of emotions and feelings about things. I was anxious, and paranoid. I thought for sure something was going to happen to me. That sparked off a manic episode that only lasted a short while because I suddenly crashed into depression. 

But yesterday as the mate and I got to talking, I noticed I was feeling much better. We went for a walk for the first time since the shooting happened. We'd been doing research, to see if there were any other cities we'd maybe like to move to, but we both agreed it wouldn't be until it was time for us to go somewhere because we wanted to, not because we were running from somewhere else.

The apartment manager evicted the person on our floor that had been involved, so I feel a lot less scared to go down to pick up a package or food delivery. And if you stay out of the bad areas, don't go out at night, and keep a watchful eye, you should be ok. My mate's mother got us some alarm key chains. When you're being accosted, you pull the pin and it emits a high pitch alarm that drives you crazy and alerts anyone who hadn't been looking before. And hopefully scares away the perpetrator.

We decided though, to keep on doing research.. St. Louis is definitely not going to be our life forever. But somewhere else will be and we'd like to plan it early and keep an eye on the cities we like. So far here are my top 3:

Cincinnati, OH : Great walk score, friendly people, lots to do, the biggest Oktoberfest outside of Munich, lots of breweries, bars, restaurants. The only downside, currently, is there is some crime happening there, not as bad as St. Louis (No one is as bad as STL) but something to keep an eye on.


 

Indianapolis, IN: Sports galore! WNBA, NBA, Football, NASCAR, and much more. Great place to go for concerts, and tons of fun things to do. A canal, lots of parks. Again crime is the reason we're putting this on hold.



Des Moines, IA: Smaller, quieter, reminds us of an up and coming Denver, huge State fair, nice people, bars, restaurants, breweries, great traffic. The downside is that it's not really close to anywhere else within driving range like the above two cities. Oh, and... tornadoes.


 

Some that we've looked at that had deal breakers were:

Pittsburgh, Jacksonville, Albany, Columbus, Spokane 

Some that we still need to research are:

Kansas City, and San Antonio. 

So I feel much better about things. I really was having a hard time. I felt like, also, looking for places in our price range was a big bummer because our company never gave us a cost of living increase. So the only places we can afford are in the crime-y areas. Which made me super sad and got me thinking I'd like to go to a 2-year school for something, that would help me get a job and make more money for us. But then I thought, god I am 43 I've peaked already and haven't done anything, it's too late for me, etc. And that was a very sad thought. But I think my mate has helped me to see it doesn't matter how old you are, you can still do whatever you want, and in the long run it may be a good idea for classes later on, but first to watch YouTube videos about it, and maybe take one introductory class for an hour to see if it is something I would really like to do, because I took 90% of a UX Design course from Google before decided it wasn't for me. I didn't really like it.

So I think I'll be ok here for a while. Wish me luck. 


UPDATE 9/24/22:

Ok, fuck this place. Someone busted the window of our car and went through all our crap. Didn't take anything because we had nothing in there.This was in a gated lot, by the way. And then of course there was a sexual assault in the building last week. So.. as soon as our lease is up here... we OUT.

Sunday, January 23, 2022

Android App Reviews: Mood Trackers

 So, since I have bipolar disorder it seems only appropriate that I review some mood tracker apps and see how they compare. I have an obsession with finding the best apps for things, so this ought to be fun.

First, we will start with the obvious one.

Daylio: This is probably the most popular mood app. But not only does it track your mood, it tracks your habits, activities, goals, let's you add text and a picture, and has a lot of stats and interesting insights into your moods. It can help determine patterns based on your mood + activities. This app pretty much has everything you need in the free version, but the paid version (subscription) gives you extra features you might like, such as No ads, auto-backup, unlimited goals, export your entries, etc. I have used this app for years as my main tracker. 


 

Bearable: This one has so many things to track it actually became overwhelming, however it is fortunate you can change your home screen to only show you certain things that you want to track. It lets you rate your mood many times throughout the day, mark your symptoms, rate energy levels, productivity, social live, and even, yes, your bowel movements. This is the most comprehensive app you can get for mood tracking. The user interface is very pleasing to use and look at. I have used this app for a while in the past but then I found I didn't have time to track all the things that I wanted to, and didn't want any inconsistencies in my reporting. But overall a "beary" good app. See what I did there?


 

Pixels: This app shows your stats in colored pixels. You can explore the pixels using score, tags, text. You can therefore find patterns in your moods. You can change the colors of your pixels. The opening screen is a plea for a cup of coffee (a donation) but don't let that confuse you, you can still access the app by the icons on the bottom. 


 

Moodflow: This app has a beautiful interface as well. You can track your mood and activities, and it has a calendar view that will show you your patterns. You can find personal insights such as relationships, and "correlations" with social interactions. This app gives you a lot of information but I didn't find it difficult to find time to track. You can lock it with a PIN too, in case you need privacy. I like this app, I feel it is very well done. 


 

eMoods: This one says it is for Bipolar, but I bet you could use it for any mental health purposes. You can choose your amount of sleep, your moods and extremes, anxiety, map your psychosis, and register if you had talk therapy in that day. There is a helpful calendar view, and a whole shit ton of graphs and charts to show you your patterns. This one would be most helpful for you to share with your doctor, I would think. In terms of UI, it is ok nothing special. Not a complicated app by any means, but helpful.

 


 The winner is a tie! Daylio and Moodflow were the best ones out of these 5 that were sampled. Give them a try and see how they work for you!


I also use one on my Android phone called EvenMind which is a simple graph/scale that you drag to indicate your mood and energy. It however, don't seem to exist on the Playstore anymore, and I haven't had any updates to it in about a year so I guess it doesn't exist.

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