Honey, without all the exes, fights and flaws, we wouldn't be standing here so tall

 So, I feel weird. For a day or so now I have felt rather sad, emotional, and sensitive. I actually burst out sobbing when my mate spoke mildly harsh to me. She wasn't being mean or anything, she was just confused as to why I was acting dumb and stupid, and I had no idea why. I just burst out.

I skipped a dose of Abilify last night. Usually if that is 'pulling me down' then it helps to remove it from my system for a day or two. I am on the max dose of Wellbutrin, and I decline any SSRI's because of their intensely sickening withdrawal symptoms.

So I have to rely on strategies that I have in place to help myself out of this way of thinking. I can play board games, draw/color, do art stuff, take a walk (though it's rainy and cold now), meditate, deep breathing, exercise, etc... but I am feeling incredibly lazy with a lack of motivation.

I have no idea why I feel this way. I mean, yeah, I know, I have bipolar... but that isn't what I mean. I mean I didn't have a specific trigger that made me start feeling bad. I just started feeling bad for no apparent reason.

I had been relatively stable for a few weeks. When I am stable I always think to myself, "Just change the way you're thinking when you start to feel bad. Just be happy." I get mad when non-mentally ill people say shit like that. Why did I? I forgot that the sadness kinda consumes you, it eats it's way inside your head until there's just grey and ashes.

You'd think I would be 10x more excited about having my music up on Spotify and other streaming services right? I am, but my enthusiasm had a low threshold. In fact my self esteem is wobbly about it. Who's going to listen to it? If anyone hears it, will they like it? Am I good enough? I usually do not have a big problem with self esteem (any more-- childhood is another story). So why am I acting this way?

I feel bad for my mate, she has to put up with me. I must be a real drag to be around right now. I am really trying super hard to fake it till I make it and white knuckle the flat numbness that is starting to encircle me.

What a joyous blog entry.

I will leave you with a wonderous AI art picture that I generated a few weeks ago.