Such a Pessimist

 Ok. So I am taking Google Certificate courses in UX Design. I am on Course 6 out of 7. It requires me to install Adobe XD on this computer and... it doesn't look like that's happening. The computer I am running has 2G of RAM and a 320G hard drive. That is not enough, apparently, to run the program. I can't even get it installed. 

So I rebooted the computer which took 10 minutes or so, and then it took another 10 for it to stop doing whatever it does at startup, so that I could actually open programs. I started the installer again and tried to open Firefox to write while the installer downloaded the files it needed.

Firefox was updating, which took another 5 minutes, and then it wouldn't open, so I had to troubleshoot that and figure out what was wrong, finally got that situated.

I'm tired of this shitty little computer that I got as a present in 2018 as a temporary replacement for an actual laptop (this is an 11.6 inch tiny ass thing), but so far I have been unable to procure a new laptop.

My mate just got a new one because both of the ones that she had crashed on her, then she had nothing. We wanted to get her a good one that was durable and tough and would not crash so easily (Might have had something to do with the hard drive, I bet the ones that crashed didn't have SSD). So she has a really good one that is working out great. But unfortunately I might have to borrow hers or something to use Adobe XD, I am not sure how to get it working on this piece of shit.

I asked for a new laptop for CHristmas but was told we had to save money. So then I asked for a new one for my birthday in June, but now that looks like it won't happen because our rent is increasing in February. 

Might have to cancel my plans for a UX Design career. I don't see any way around this.

EDIT: I don't want to jinx it, but it might just yet install! I tried one more time, time #5 appears to be maybe working!

EDIT 2: It worked! I got it installed after about an hour of trying to figure out what was happening.

Can't Stop

 So when I was a two year old, I was a perfect (well, almost) little angel. This should've eluded to anyone paying attention that my teenage years would be full of mischief, and they were. I was angsty and hormonal, and just trying to figure myself out, as all teenagers are, with the added pressure of being a  gay girl. So it was no wonder I got in a physical altercation in school, wrote a suicide poem that spawned psychological counseling, and had an unrelenting crush on a girl in my P.E. class. Sigh.

But what they don't tell you, is that years later, there's one sure way to tell if you'll have a mid-life crisis. And that is - did you go wild and crazy in your 20's? No? Then when you turn 40 you're going to have a wild ride.

I was wild in my 20's. A little too wild. I'm surprised I'm still alive. I went to raves and parties, did some substances, and was friends with all sorts of strange characters. Those strange characters all have wives/husbands and a house now. We did our craziness in our 20's.

My mate, on the other hand, was busy in her 20's working and studying at a big University. She had no time for parties, raves, and sketchy people. 

So that means... when she turns 40 in just 2 short years, I am in for a wild ride.

This is a calculated fact. 

 

I have no idea how it will manifest itself. Will she buy a red mustang and try and race kids at the stop light? Doubtful. Will she have an affair behind my back? Doubtful. Will she impulsively spend all the money? Again, doubtful. I really don't know how this is going to play out, but I'm sure it will. 

Hopefully I'm wrong and she won't go berserk. I mean, she is a very VERY level-headed individual. She is the most responsible and reasonable person that I know. I really can't imagine any shenanigans with her. Not like the kind I'm always pulling as a result of my bipolar. So we will see.

I'm going to add a tangential side note here: I have been in the throws of a manic episode these days, and I notice that time is acting weird again for me. I typed this whole thing in a matter or 1-2 minutes somehow. I have been taking an upped dosage of my Abilify medication, hopefully it will kick in quite soon. It is fairly small, I'm not having symptoms of psychosis or anything like that. Hypomania, they call it. Except I have type 1, so it's really just my medications doing their job.

Side note ended.

 

I'm really not worried that my mate is going to have a mid-life crisis. If she does, we will weather the storm together. That's why we're together. We balance each other out.  And that's one of the best things of being her romantic partner.

Belly Full

 Once again, not sure what I am writing about today. Everyday we do these 10-minute intervals that we call "Creative Intervals". We start reading a book for 10 minutes. Then we draw & color for 10 minutes, then we write for 10 minutes. I'm reading a spy book by Rob Sinclair. I drew and am in the process of coloring a fire breathing dragon. But writing? You'd think I'd have a lot to say! I'm just hungry and we already ate a huge meal at 9am so no more food for me apparently. It is literally all I can fucking think about.

How am I going to make it this week just eating nothing but soup?! I really don't know. We have this motivatonal poster we made, up in the kitchen to remind us of all the things we can do to meet our weight and inches goals. Today we weighed ourselves. I was 146 today. That is almost 150!! Holy shit.

 

So I really really need to go onto the soup, without the half sandwich. I really need to do all the running, weight lifting, Piyo, etc. 

It's just so damn hard when you're as hungry as I am. I'm hangry, too. Not just hungry. But I get really irritable. l honestly don't mean nor want to be irritable. I just seem to get that way when I feel like I am starving.

I'm going to have to live with it though - there's nothing I can do about it.

Maybe I'll just drink enough water all at once that my stomach feels ill. Then I won't want to eat right?

 

COVID19

 So, I had been meaning, for about a year now, to write about my experience living in a world of COVID19. My experience, I realize, is quite different from most people's, so I wanted to share. 

It all started as you know, in around December of 2019. I remember hearing about this new illness on the news, but no one took it seriously at that time because it was originating in China. It wasn't until after the new year it began to be spread here in the United States. We went to a festival to see Dave Matthews Band play a concert on February 29, 2020 and I remember feeling apprehensive because supposedly the virus had reached Arizona where we are. But there were no masks or anything at that time.

On March 15 2020, my workplace said we were going to start an "A" week and "B" week of working from home. Now, our CEO was this old fuddy duddy who really didn't want anyone working from home if he could help it, so we knew it was about to get real bad. Me and my mate were on "A" week, but as soon as we got home and got the computers running with the work software, we were told EVERYONE would be working from home until further notice. *We've been working from home since then.

 

That is when my mate and I settled in for the long run. There really wasn't much of a "quarantine" in Arizona, our douche bag Governor only cared about the economy so it lasted 2 weeks officially, before he opened everything up again in April. 

Around March was when you couldn't find toilet paper. People were fear-hording items like TP, paper towels, and hand sanitizer. We luckily had about a 2 or 3 months supply of TP otherwise we would've had to use leaves from the Orange tree outside. 

It was at that time that we began utilizing delivery as our only option for food and items. Doordash, Grubhub, Uber Eats, Postmates. WalMart delivered, so does Safeway and Fry's (Smiths/Ralphs/FredMeyer for all you elsewhere living people). So that is what we did. And still do!

Then as time went on and masks became a thing, you had idiot people refusing to wear them, or arguing against them. These are called "COVIDIOTS" - an apt name. Mostly republicans and conservatives, who listen to incorrect information, were these anti maskers. Wait till I talk about vaccines!

 

So we literally went to no single place other than the vet, where we set the carrier on the hood of the car whilst some underpaid "essential worker" came and got the cat, did their thing, and then brought him back to the hood of the car. We had no contact with people. We would take walks around the neighborhood, but that is it. We would drive the car around the block and air up the tires to make sure it would still run properly. 

In April and May of 2022 we finally could get our vaccines. Later, in October, we got our boosters. In June there was FINALLY a lull in the virus, so me and my mate met up with a co-worker friend of ours at a bar for some drinks, maskless. It felt super weird - and then just a few days later, the Delta variant emerged. Goddamit. So back in our house we went. And then the Omicron variant hit later in the year making it even more important that we stay in. 

 

My mate says 2021 was worse than 2020 because at least in 20, everyone was stuck inside, the world stopped. But then in 21, the world went on like normal again, but we didn't. We stayed in. I don't care if we're vaccinated. I don't want to get COVID because mostly due to long-haulers. They just don't know what will happen to your body in the long run. You could get the 'VID and just have a headache for a couple days, but then 4 months later you've got kidney disease or diabetes. Yikes, no thank you.

So inside, we still are. Inside as in, inside our own world. We still take walks and such. But delivery is the way to go. We do make a few excursions every so often to the Total Wine & More store for beverages, fully masked of course. But that's like once every 3 months or so to stock up.

I don't mind it one bit. I thought I'd have a serious problem with it. Being a Gemini, and all. But I am an introvert. Being around people makes me tired! I love staying at home all the time. All the extroverts in the world were like "wahhhh I am sad" when they were stuck working from home, indoors, staying away from places. Me and my mate, introverts, were like YAY WE CAN ALL STAY HOME!!!

And, that is kind of where we are now. Home. Staying. With a few excursions once in a long while. I wouldn't travel on a plane (Mostly because I'm scared I'll be next to the passenger that refuses to wear a mask and beats up the flight attendant). I wouldn't go anywhere without a mask. I refuse to go to any restaurant or bar or anywhere that makes you put on a mask but then you have to lower it to drink or take a bite of food - I mean, how stupid is that? That's just optics.

And this shit isn't going to be over anytime soon. Only 70% of the country is fully vaccinated because people are stupid. There is soooo much misinformation, mostly spread by right-leaning conservative douche bags, about the vaccines. So until people can get their shit together, it's going to be another year or two before COVID dies out.

Well, that's my story. Let me know if I forgot anything. Ha.

If I did, I'll edit and add more later.

Writing

 I am supposed to write but I really don't have anything to say currently.

I would like to be mastering my songs and then getting them uploaded to Spotify. That would be a much more productive use of my time, I'd think... but I am supposed to write.

So um. Let's see. I hurt my back on New Year's day and it's gotten better, it had been excruciating and I had to ice it and take lots of Tylenol. It was a 6 on the pain scale. Real ouchy. Now it is a 3. So much better, I can ignore it mostly.

We were supposed to be having nothing but soup starting yesterday but we had low blood sugar issues, so we ended up today having a half sandwhich with our soup. l think it might be working better that way.

I really wish the coffee table, where my laptop is, was closer to the couch. My back is starting to ache just by leaning forward to where I am almost having my chest touch my knees. I am getting old! 42 doesn't sound old to me but when I think about how my body is not where it was 12 years ago... I am old.

Speaking of old, I still want to go to Churchill MB when I turn 50. I saw on a show called "I was Prey" though that a girl almost got et by a polar bear. I'll have to be super careful. I love polar bears but not enough to want to be their meal.

My computer is freaking out .. dont know what is wrong. I am not doing it, but it is doing stuff on it's own.. wtf! I gotta go fix this...

Day by Day

One of the things I decided to do this year was start a video diary. Nothing fancy, nothing major, just a one minute-ish video of how I am doing. How life is going, how I am feeling, etc.  I started it on the 1st. It's going well so far. I just need to set a reminder every day to do it.

Tomorrow is back-to-work for us. We had an excellent 4-day mini vacay from work but tomorrow is back to real life again. It's also the day that we start our Soup Extravaganza. See, we're starting with soup for 4 days, then going into intermittent fasting again, which really worked for both of us with losing weight and such.

I hurt my back on New Years day. I was using bad form, apparently, when doing chest exercises with weights and felt excruciating pain. I can losen it up with running and then it feels better but after a time it goes back to hurting again. I've been taking tylenol and icing it. Not sure what else to do. My mate's been having me do bridges on the floor to try and help, but it hurts and I can't lift my hips more than 1-2 inches off the floor.

I'm going to try this year also to get my music up on Spotify, so we will see about that. I have to research mastering and such. EDIT: I just found that Soundcloud will master for you, for a fee. That may be the way to go, if I can also then take the finished product OFF of Soundcloud. I will have to find out.

I think that is all I really needed to say today. Hope everyone had happy holidays. Catch ya later!

The Cure For Depression

I have bipolar. Part of that means I experience depression. Depression is my very least favorite type of episode (mania can be fun sometimes). You are tired all the time. You are irritable. You don't care about anything. You are sometimes sad. Sometimes you're just numb and you don't enjoy anything. You just want to sleep. Mundane tasks like showering or doing the dishes seem overwhelming. It sucks. But there's a secret I discovered that can make it all go away.

Now, let me preface this by saying I'm definitely not a scientist. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm just a person. But I've found a way to get rid of depression. Not just for an afternoon or a day - but months (if you cycle with episodes like I do) or perhaps more.

This is going to sound absolutely insane and you'll stop reading this out of pure incredulous-ness (is that a word? My auto correct doesn't think so). But hang in there with me, it will all make sense soon.

You need to get out of bed somehow, and go for a 10 mile walk. Yes you read that right. A 10 mile walk. 

 

When we lived in Salt Lake City, we were walking from our apartment to downtown which would take 10 minutes. One day, I was depressed (numb, didn't enjoy things, "bored" all the time, unable to make myself do basic chores, etc) and we had gone to the Rose Park section of the Jordan River trail and walked 5 miles in and 5 miles back. My depression lifted when we got home. I was  suddenly talkative and laughing and feeling actual feels again. My feet were wrecked. They absolutely were in a lot of pain. The skin was red, and had blisters. The muscles were tired. The tendons were threatening to separate from the muscles. But I felt good. It was amazing. I felt fine after that for a good while.

Subsequent times we've gone on a 10 mile walk it again was not my idea and I fussed and complained. Again at the end I felt better. My feet and legs hurt but it was always worth it. 

From the Mayo Clinic, "Research on depression, anxiety and exercise shows that the psychological and physical benefits of exercise can also help improve mood and reduce anxiety." It continues on to say, "The links between depression, anxiety and exercise aren't entirely clear — but working out and other forms of physical activity can definitely ease symptoms of depression or anxiety and make you feel better. Exercise may also help keep depression and anxiety from coming back once you're feeling better."

 

My theory is that the amount of endorphins generated by walking for 10 miles is enough to knock out the depression. 

From a NIHM study about long-distance walking and depression, "the findings collectively suggested that long-distance walking may be a remedy against mental health issues" (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8345809/).

 

Now, when I am depressed, or having beginning signs of it, my mate will ask me if we need to go on a 10 mile walk. Instead of kicking and screaming, I do a quick self-assessment, to see if I do indeed need to go walk that far. If I say yes, we fill up the camel pack and head out. We walk through the neighborhood to the canal, and down to a big main street that we have to cross with caution, which after doing so, will take us past a big giant park filled with paths & ponds, and subtly moves on into a golf course, and then just becomes a regular walking path. We end up in a different city.

And of course, afterward, I feel so much BETTER at the end!

 

When we get home I sit down and have a cold bottle of either water or gatorade, or both. I rub my poor aching feet. I feel absolutely tired and fucked up. My legs ache. But my MOOD! I always feel so much better - not just better, but happy. 

 

It is super hard to get going, mind you. Walking for longer than 'from the couch to the toilet' sounds horrible. When you're depressed all you want to do is sit there staring at a wall. So getting the motivation to do this is the hard part. It helps to have someone force you to do it. And going for a 10 mile walk alone might not be as uplifting, so take my advice with a grain... but I highly recommend it.

 

Good luck out there.

 

 

New Years... um, Goals.

 So instead of calling them New Years Resolutions... I am going to simply call them "goals". Resolutions is such a powerful word, and I am not trying to force myself into anything majorly crazy like that. I just have some goals. 

- Keep running 1 mile everyday, keep lifting weights, add abdominal workouts at breaktimes

- Eat less/smaller portions

- Eat healthier/Cook more & order delivery less

- Drink at least 16 cups of water everyday, more during Arizizzle.

- Keep doing my reminders that pop up on my phone, such as taking my medicine on time, cleaning the litterboxes in the morning, etc. 

-- The ultimate goal is to lose 10 lbs by my birthday in June, which should be easy to do if we stick to it. The thing is, we both have to motivate and lift each other up. 

Also, something else I'd like to do, is keep up with the psybient releases each month, as they come out, from psybient.org. That way I can choose good ones as-I-go throughout the year instead of listen to 200 albums in October - December. 

Today my mate and I made a poster for ideas to help us be healthier in the kitchen. Tips & tricks, if you will. We're hanging it in the kitchen, in fact. It lists things such as "keep hydrated", "intermittent fasting", and "motivational quotes as desktop background". It's a way to remind us that this is important to us. Next week we're just living off of soup. Just soup, yep. Then we'll start fasting again. 

On a completely unrelated note, I have the song "Wolves" by MISSIO stuck in my head and I can't get it out. 

Ok back on track, /tangent, Tonight is New Years Eve, we're going to TRY an stay up as late as we can - if we make it past 8pm I will be super surprised, haha. For dinner we are having fondue, using a new recipe that we saw on TV. It's a tradition for us to do Fondue on NYE every year. One of my favorite things. 

2021 wasn't a bad year, for me anyway. Here's to 2022: May it be a great year, free of COVID. (We'll see about that).